Remembering

Obviously I am a poor blogger. Oh well, that's life.

Today marks one year since my dad passed away. Overall, I am glad to have such great family and friends who have supported me, Emily, Lucy and my mom this year. Without them I don't know where I would be today. Thomas Anthony Pick was a great man, father and husband. Everyone has their flaws, but my dad was passionate and caring and loved with his whole heart. Together with my mom, the two of them set great examples for me and my sisters, and I am very fortunate to call myself their daughter. I'll never forget our good, long chats, going to the movies together, laughing, and waking up in the morning to him singing "Folsom Prison Blues". It hard this time of year to not think about how things were in the end, but I try not to. I am focusing on the good times and memories like how happy he was those weeks before he has the stroke. I know he is proud of us, and I am trying really hard to keep it that way. I love you and miss you, dad.

My family's dog Missy has gone missing. On Saturday I let her out like usual to go pee, it was around 10:30am. She never came back. One of our neighbors spotted her in their yard around noon that day, but that's the last anyone has seen on her. She could not have worse timing to disappear. We have gone out searching, placed a lost ad on craigslist, looked at the humane society and filled out at missing animal report. The odds aren't looking good. She's now been gone for 3 days. There's a lot of wilderness around here, there's really no way we would be able to search it all. I guess it was just her time. She had a good run, and we all miss her. I know I didn't see eye to eye with her all the time, but I miss her too. She was a good dog.

One Year Ago Today

As it is now after midnight, it has officially been one year since I last went out to lunch with my dad. I know this doesn't make a lot of sense, but it's one of the last memories I have of my dad before he had his stroke, which happened one year ago tomorrow. I was home from Eugene visiting because I was unemployed and had nothing better to do. Dad and I always went out to lunch together, all of us really. One year ago today my dad and I went to Hunan - my choice, he always picked Harvest Depot. We went to Hunan, I got the usual - Beef and Broccoli - and he got his usual - Sweet and Sour Pork, with the rice on the side to take home to mom. I remember he was really happy that day, more so that whole week I'd been home. It was the happiest I had seen him in so long, which made everything that happened next extra hard to swallow. That day at Hunan he was talking up the waitress we always had, which wasn't anything new, everyone always chatted my dad up, they always felt like they could talk to him - even when he didn't remember their names. Earlier that same day my dad talked about how he wanted to take up stained glass again. He had bought my mom flowers and these ridiculous flaming skull PJ pants, just because he knew she liked those kind of pants. He was the happiest I had seen him in I can't even remember how long. I imagine it's because all of his girls were in relatively good places. Emily was out of the bad roommate situation and living with me and Lucy was staying at Western, finally, she had found her place. For as long as I can recollect, for as long as I have existed, all my dad wanted was for the three of us to be happy and healthy. As long as we were happy, so was he.

Tomorrow marks the start of the year anniversary of a depressing period in my family's life's. It's going to be rough, especially for Lucy and my mom. Not that it won't be for Emily and I, we just handle our pain a little better, or at least not as vividly as others. I think about my dad every day and I just hope that I am making him proud. I always reflect on whether what I am doing, what I am thinking would upset him. That's something that hasn't changed. I have always wanted to be a good girl and not disappoint my parents, though I know I have had some trip ups along this path, but I try to follow it to the best of my abilities.

We're leaving to Denver in the afternoon. I wanted to take my mom to visit her family. I thought it best to go now, so we wouldn't have to be at home tomorrow, the day my dad had his stroke, in the same house. We need to be out of there, be with family, have a little fun and distraction. We all miss my family in Colorado. That's the family we grew up with, the family that no matter what is there for us. They are why I would want my mom to move back there, so she would have them. Who knows what will happen and where we'll all be this time next year. I know I'll be here still, at least still at The Source, hopefully in Bend by then. Hopefully Lucy gets into Colorado State and Emily gets in anywhere. Only time will tell I guess, we'll just have to wait and see.

My dad, Tom Pick, was a good man. He tried to set the best example he could at being a good person. He might not have succeeded all the time, but he tried nonetheless. It's because of my dad that I am who I am today, why I have the morals I have and why I want certain things out of life and love. He loved my mom and sisters and I more than anything else in this world. He is greatly missed. I love you, Dad.

One Small Step

Today at The Source I was listening to my Top 25 most played playlist on my iPod, while entering in some calendar listings after our weekly web meeting when Eric asked to speak to me. My editor then informed me that I would begin receiving some partial benefits (because I'm only part time) after 6 months instead of one year (I didn't know that was the timeline, it's all so confusing). Anyway, woo hoo! Starting November 11 I will start to accrue vacation time and get sick/personal time. There may have been something about a healthcare stipend, but I don't know for sure. Either way, it's pretty awesome.

I would consider this a small step towards my eternal happiness because of this reasoning: sure right now I take vacations whenever I want, but I do not get paid. Vacations are a time for happiness, but what could be better than getting paid while on vacation! Also, if you think about it pretty much no one is happy when they are sick and if I were to get sick it takes me away from two jobs and that much money, Now, when I get the flu this winter, or whatever, I can rest assured knowing that at least at my newspaper job I won't be missing out on some $$$.

We all know money doesn't buy happiness, but you can't deny that it doesn't contribute to it. And these small little benefits shall definitely contribute to helping me find my something to believe, to my overall general happiness.

Photo: My good pal Shawna and I on vacation in Long Beach, New York.

Toby Keith sucks.

Good god, Toby Keith sucks.

I am sitting here playing Bejeweled Blitz on facebook, in my moose printed pajamas, be jealous, and he is performing on Conan. I can't think of a musician who sucks as badly as him, wait I take that back. Either way, it seems his songwriting sessions involve ways he can jam the word "America" in as much as possible.

Through some of my friendships I have come to not hate country as much, but Toby Keith just makes me want to vomit.

The Beginning

I've been thinking a lot about happiness lately. As we approach the one year anniversary of my dad's passing it's got me thinking about life in general, I guess.

I've always said that all I want is to be happy. And I've been spending my time trying to figure out how to be that. Not that I'm no happy, but when it comes to my life, I don't want to waste time being unhappy, I don't want to work a job that makes me miserable, I don't want unnecessary drama in my life. I want to be content with my position in life. This all sounded so much better in my head, all my clearest thoughts are never conveyed via the written word, odd considering my chosen profession.

Well, I am sufficiently distracted. I guess what I will say is this, the title of this blog, "Give Me Something to Believe..." comes from the lyrics to one of my favorite songs, "Believe" by The Bravery. "'cause I am living just to breathe/I need something more/To keep on breathing for/So give me something to believe..." the song continues. That's the theme of this blog. My ramblings will follow my path to finding my something to believe, my happiness - whatever that happens to be.

I won't always have such downer posts, I promise. Though, I can't promise that for the next two months. It's going to be rough with all of the miserable anniversaries and also my dad's birthday falls on Halloween. I've been doing my best to be strong and carry on, but we all have our weak days.